I’ve had a few good, long walks. I’ve reintroduced vegetables into my diet. I’ve spoken to people.
I think I feel human again, or at least as human as one can feel in a lockdown during a pandemic that has lasted what feels like five years already.
There is still some low-grade anxiety simmering. I know this because reading is a struggle. Not so long ago I heard someone say that reading requires peace of mind, which is a luxury few of us currently have. I can’t remember who said it or when, but I do remember feeling a sense of relief hearing it. I’m not the only one; phew.
I’m not confident enough to come up with these things myself and believe them because my brain is constantly lying to me. I’m getting better at spotting when I’m off kilter, but being off kilter means logic has left the building, so trying to think my way out of it is about as successful as a cheese platter at a vegan party.
Walking helps the most. I do not have a body designed for running (too many wobbly bits), but I can walk for miles. It’s both relaxing and physical. I could use another long walk before I trust myself not to snarl at anybody (again) but I must resume my paid obeisance tomorrow (aka work).
I know I’m lucky to still have a job so I’m not complaining. I’m just… slightly nervous about keeping my big mouth shut should someone say something that annoys me in the slightest. My probability calculator puts that at…96.45 percent likely. And by “probability calculator” I mean, my lived experience with any kind of meeting that I’ve ever attended throughout my entire adult life.
I might have to “experience technical issues” to be safe. Turn things off and on again and buy myself some time to put a thought filter in place. Wish me luck?
Anyway, self-isolation is gruelling but it’s over now. I really feel for anyone who has had to go through it or (shudder) has had to shield. If that’s you, and you need someone to talk you down from that caged-animal-foaming-at-the-mouth feeling…to be honest I’m not the person to call.
Please know you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. No matter how you feel, I can promise you’re not the only one. It’s fucking awful, but it will end eventually and a little bit after that you’ll feel better. Hang in there.